originally posted 6/9/2009
I was 4 when I remember being abused sexually by my stepfather. That went on with him off and on until I told him to stop at age 14. He let his friend (my uncle), take me to his house to stay. He also abused me for many years off and on. I suspect now that my stepfather was paid for this. I was taken to a friend of my “uncles” house where no abuse happened but the attempt was made. I had to endure a naked disgusting man. I was once tied up by the neighbor`s boy down the street naked and left there until a man from a business untied me. I was then at the age of 14 raped by my sister`s girlfriend who was 19.
My stepfather had gotten in trouble by my older brother who turned him in, and we were removed from the home. I had been put in a foster home with my brother who had also been abused at the age of 11. Then we were let go to live with our mother for about 3 months. She put us on a bus soon after and I ended back up at my stepfather`s who had abused me. Even after being taken away from him and my mother, for some reason I was allowed to go back into the abusive home. My stepfather was even allowed to get money from the state to support us, ie food stamps and cash. Not only was I abused by several people that I loved, I had to watch my siblings get abused. I was on top of all this, I WAS ABUSED BY THE CITY, THE COUNTY AND THE STATE. I was getting beaten up from the start.
I had slowly gotten into smoking pot and drinking at about 15, and by the time I was 17 had dropped out of school half way through my senior year. I had many girlfriends and met this one who was all wrong. She had a child that was 2 years old. We were not getting along very well, and one night she went to school at the college, and I was left to watch the girl. I was not happy to have to watch her. I remember being angry that she would not stay in bed, and would not stop crying. That made me even angrier. I spanked her once, then spanked her bare butted. (Then he sexually abused her – explicit details omitted) . I was arrested and since I had no money and no one to help me, I was on my own.
My court appointed lawyer told me to plea and not to go to trial. So I did. I was convicted of Statutory Rape 1. A class A felony. When I registered in the new state to which I moved, they labeled me as a level I offender. The lowest level. Meaning I was not a threat in their eyes.
I think I lost my mind. I am responsible for what I did. I went through 4 years of counseling court ordered, and instead of leaving after my court ordered counseling stopped, I continued to finish my therapy. It was just a few months more, but I finished. I learned more than I could have possibly imagined. I was in a one on one session for about 6 months and then went to a man’s group therapy session once a week for the remainder of the time.
I cannot begin to tell all of you what a horrible nasty disgusting person I was for doing that. I will never forget but have forgiven myself. I have always said and will always say that I did it because of anger, and anger alone. I remember only wanting to cause her pain and hear her cry. I absolutely had no sexual feelings whatsoever.
Since that day 23 years ago, I have never even once touched or hurt anyone, man woman or child. I was married in 2001 and had a beautiful baby girl at that time. She is 9 now and extremely smart. I read her ABC’S to her in her mother`s womb to help her get a head start. I was proud, happy and in a very good place. Finally. She is now in her 4th year of piano, surpassing all the other students that started before her. She gets good grades and is in the 3rd grade. She is very happy, always sings and loves, loves, loves to read books. I am the happiest father in the world. I love her more than life itself. She IS my world.
She plays baseball for the coach pitch little league here and loves it. She is getting good. I started to assist the head coach at third base and cheered on all the other girls on the team. My daughter stands at shortstop and sings and whistles. Everyone loves her and adores her. We raised her right.
The coach was approached by the little league director and told that if I want to help I have to put in an application, with a copy of my drivers license.
I can’t do that. I am a registered sex offender and that is for life. I am now being persecuted as a sex offender for an offense that happened over 20 years ago. My face is plastered on the website in my state. Not to mention the federal database. All it says it what I am convicted of and my information. It doesn’t even say when I was convicted. Everyone that sees it assumes it just happened. I can go to court to petition to have the obligation to register removed since it has been 20 years. I still am registered with the state but I would not have to register on a regular basis. My face is on my current states registry in one state but never was and never will be in the state where I am now living, another injustice.
So now I am soon to be 41 and started out being abused by my peers, thrown around by the state and put back into an abusive environment, abused some more, then am told I am a piece of crud and don’t deserve to be normal. I don’t deserve my privacy, or to be given equal treatment under the law. But I do have to pay my taxes. Tell me, what am I paying for? I will tell you. MY OWN PERSECUTION. I am literally paying the people that beat me down. I don’t feel like an American. I love this country but I am not proud of these injustices.
What I did was wrong. I have been a law abiding tax paying hard working person who contributes to his family, his country,and his society. No one was there to defend me when I was a child and youth. Now I have to watch as my child suffers for my wrongdoings. I will carry on to be with my daughter and live my life with her. She is the only reason I live. Period….