By Sad Mom . . .
The person I know was convicted of a crime of sexual assault of a minor. He was using dating apps to meet women for casual sexual encounters. In order to sign up on these sites one must acknowledge (with a click in a box) that they are 18 years old.
This person met and had sex with a ‘woman’ who turned out to be 13 years old. The case went to court and it was a ‘he said/she said’ digital tech style. They had traded nude’s – possession of child pornography. His words for where to meet for sex – an additional charge of solicitation of a minor. And all the various “defendant used body part a to penetrate ‘victim’s” body part b” require the act of sex to become broken down into a charge for each and every “touch”.
At no point did this man force himself on the ‘victim’. The ‘victim’ was a child and one can make an array of assumptions about family, parenting, social/economic barriers and anything else regarding what lead her to take a smart phone, create a dating profile on a site she had no legal right to be on, and engage in trading ‘pornography’ and sexual talk with adults. Although it did not specifically come to light in the case of this man, the ‘victim’ was engaging in similar digital talk with others. But this isn’t about her or them – it’s about this young man.
He told his side of the story – that she lied and he didn’t know she was underage. HIs sexual history and preferences were also on trial – no one on this particular jury could understand or abide it. He was found guilty and due to be sentenced.
He knew just be found guilty (before knowing any jail time or anything) would require a lifetime as a registered ‘sex’ offender. He was the farthest from that. He understood the nature of people and how they judge. The registry would impact his family and every single aspect of his life from friends, girlfriends, jobs, places to live, and on and on. It would never end.
So he departed this life at 24 years old. Given the choice between death and the sex registry; he chose death.
This is the impact of what the registry means in real life.
I think of death every day and I can’t wait for it to happen, whether I do it myself or something happens. I have always been an extremely sensitive person who has problems establishing and maintaining boundaries. I have never been able to say no to anyone because I was taught that it will inevitably lead to violent conflict (thanks childhood!). I know that I am a kind, compassionate, empathetic, intelligent person who has so much to give. But it doesn’t matter. Everyone outside my family hates me and I can’t leave my house.
I am lucky that my husband of 20 years forgave me for falling into a trap set by a 17-year-old boy (whose family repeatedly told authorities that they did not want me prosecuted and that they feel I was manipulated by their confused son).
Here is what happened: he flirted, like boys will do, and I encouraged this by laughing and joking back, instead of emphasizing the boundaries I was scared to create. Things went downhill fast due to my decision-making (or lack thereof) and my inability to put my foot down. (I am also bipolar and suffering from severe anxiety- though these are NOT EXCUSES for my behavior).
Now, 17 is considered legal in my state, but you see, I was a teacher. The kid wasn’t my student but I was still convicted as if he was. I was sent to a camp set up by the state for first-time offenders where I lived with women who were convicted due to drugs, fighting, or stealing. I never thought I would be jealous of someone who was in trouble.
I have never been in trouble in my life until age 32. Never been arrested, fired, reprimanded, or anything before I made the decisions that I made.
I am now considered a violent rapist, less than human, and I have been told to kill myself. I really want to. I am tired of being scared. I am tired of being punished for one mistake. I am tired of being out of work, even though I have several college degrees. I am tired of being a disappointment to my family.
I want to die and I truly feel that it would inevitably increase the quality of life for everyone I know, and those who hate me- even if I don’t know them.
My daughter and I will have nothing if something were to ever happen to my husband (who is great 95% of the time) because I haven’t even been able to get an interview in 8 years. I am scared every second of every day that I am going to do something that I don’t realize that I am not supposed to do.
For example, what if I missed something when listing my internet accounts? The lady who was in charge with helping me register called me a nasty b*%#@ and said that she wasn’t there to answer my ridiculous questions when I asked for clarity.
Is it just social media accounts or is it everything? Do they need to know my Amazon account or what I buy online at Target? I don’t know because I have no one to ask.
I have a 15-year-old kiddo who I love very much. Many of her friend’s parents know about what happened and know that I would never hurt their children. They are fine with their children coming over. So, will the cops show up? Will I get to be a part of my grandchildren’s lives, since I am so apparently violent? Why do I even exist anymore. I am doing nothing but sitting on my ass, taking money from the government while endlessly searching for a job that will never come.
I want to die.
I should have done it 7 years ago (or before). My existence is almost pointless; I am a waste of space. Society has let me know that I don’t belong and that I shouldn’t live.
So why am I still here? My kiddo, I guess. During the worst times, I try to figure out when it would be easiest on her for me to go. That’s really sad. I guess that I don’t deserve her.
I want to die. I am so tired of being afraid and of hurting everyone.
I read the story of this young man in the above story that in all appearances made a mistake, and then I read your story Jessica and my heart really hurts for so many that have made “mistakes.” The young man did not need to take his life but I do agree my grandson has possibly debated the same thing as you ask yourself too in what you wrote.
I want to say, life is a gift to everyone. I’m not some religious person and my grandson isn’t either and he told me one day that being stuck on this registry for longer than his 10 year court ordered registration period has made him feel useless and a waste of space also. He doesn’t deny what happened was wrong as you don’t, and I believe a lapse in decision making should not determine a person’s worth to this world. Thank goodness you have a husband that is really supportive. Thank goodness I’m here for my grandson too.
I just want to say something my grandson pointed out to me when he debated his life and if he should live. He was hit by a car when he was younger. He had a NDE I think is the abbreviation for near death experience. He told me that he cannot consider dieing before he is called because although he knows with certainty another side exists, he knows his work is not finished here. At 95 years old as of a few months ago hearing him say those words to me really gave me hope for him. My grandson was originally labeled a “offender” with a “10 year reporting requirement” then without any reason except a belief he met the criteria for a statute his status was upgraded to “Predator” and “lifetime registration.”
My grandson actually obtained his degrees after being released from prison on “house arrest” and hoped he would be able to use those degrees as he hadn’t been able to find a steady job after his 10 years were through for reporting on the SOR. Sadly he hasn’t gotten that chance. He has a new hope now, he has a lawyer as of last week. If he manages to free himself from this mark of societal punishment because that is what it is, he believes his calling is to help those suffering like he did. I’m not sure with his degrees what he will be able to do but I do know a lot of “good people” that made “mistakes” are trapped in a “society/bully driven law making initiative” that has no real results but what I and my grandson believe is “ punishment” after “sentencing” and “time served” according to the “United States Constitution and Bill of Rights.”
I do hope these negative thoughts and emotions do not take hold of you. Being a parent is special and having a loving husband and others that feel your same pain should let you know every new day must be as I tell my grandson “a new day to show the world that you are not what they want you to believe you are by placing that label on you.” Stay strong and know that everyday is a day closer to regaining your confidence back 100%.
I hope my words helped,
Gerald
First off, let me say may he rest in peace.
I really hate stories like this. THIS is what the registry and being a convicted sex offender does to many people. They figure they would be better off dead than to face all of this crap that he would have had to go through. Trust me, I was sentenced to 2.5 to 5 years for a sex crime against a minor, one that I did not do, mind you, and was sent to jail. And 5 years I did do. Many times while sitting in that cell I thought about just ending it all. My family and friends had abandoned me, I had no one on the outside to help me out. So I figured why should I stick around? But, fate intervened I guess. I was too scared to try suicide. I am still here today, 21 years later. Still a convicted sex offender, and still an RSO. It sucks, but I am sticking it out.
Seeing what I deal with now,I believe he may have made the right decision.
Can not say I blame him at all, he made an accurate assessment and decision. This is what happens when the criminals that make and decide the laws rise so far above the laws that since they are not affected by them they don’t care how the laws affect others.. Very similar to the “royalty” in old France and England. What was death and dismemberment for peasants was run of mill behavior for the elites.. When the punishment for consensual sex with a willing partner faces a life sentence that is more severe than that for murder, assault, drug sales, arson, treason, terrorism, or torture it is safe to say your justice system is so broke as to have no redeemable qualities worth saving..scratch and do-over. you wont get justice from a justice system that is mired in this behavior.
It makes since. A death sentence would be a preferred method for most. I choose to live each day as best I can the registry is harsh, punishment after the fact hurts innocent children and families.