Living in Fear

originally posted 7/2012

Ten years have passed since my conviction.  I have gone through fear of trying to be close with others; my new life has shunned me from others that cease to understand me.  I live in a small city in a studio apartment.  I have grown to be alone and fear that all I’ll become is a silent moving shadow that is among the community.  I don’t know what I’ll do; my life is closing in on me but I do live cause life wants me to live.   I have attempted to commit suicide a few times, not because of the registry but knowing that people will never take me in as their own and I’ll continue being shunned.  I just want to be understood.

3 Comments

  1. Mommy

    … Some days I feel like I am all alone..my son is the one who was put on the registry…It’s a long sordid story I don’t feel like typing out, but I sent him outside the USA to live. He is free, but I feel like I am still here serving a sentence. I must cry myself to sleep; I miss him so much. It has shattered me inside and out. I did 32 yrs with the military. I worked hard to give my children what I never had..and it’s gone. I do not get to share his birthdays or Christmas, and I spend a lot of my time feeling sorry for myself, which does nothing. This is not how it was supposed to be. I think my life will end and none of this will be repaired. The politicians and lawyers and judges are making way too much money off this feeding frenzy. I wish it were different…I am tired of crying.

    s.

  2. jimmy smith

    Sounds like your talking about my life. At 62, living a reclusive life in a used travel trailer, I have become extremely paranoid of people. I have no family–well I do but I don’t. I have three grown children, one living 26 miles from me, and two living in Chicago. My wife was killed in 1996 in an auto accident. My children never visit me because of my sex offence status. They all have their own families to look out after. I just take one day at a time. I do have a dog that I take to trails. My dog’s love is all I have left. When the nightmare began, I thought of suicide almost every day. About two years into my registration I got angry and went into survival mode. These people do not care if I live or die. They don’t care about my health or well being. So I decided to stay just to piss them off. You hang in there. A Friend in The Great State of Georgia. Jimmy

    • Matthew

      WOW Jimmy don’t know if you were reading my post when you wrote yours, but LOL, yes, it does sound like a mirror of my life. If it wasn’t for my dog and his love for me–he’s 10 and don’t know how much longer he will be with me or I him–I don’t know what I’d do. I’ve become a recluse in my trailer and only venture out when necessary…AND if it wasn’t for this website, NOW, I’m glad I found it, it has helped me feel less alone even though we all are just posting on here. It helps to know that others struggle with the same feelings and concerns as I.

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