Back In Time

You know this new law that came out in Pennsylvania on December 20, 2012 has brought back those same old feelings I had when I first was released in 2004… I didn’t go out except at night to shop because I didn’t want to run into people especially with children around.  Then I finally found a job that kept me out mostly at night.  Which was great that way I was safe from being around people and the fear of being picked out or pointed at and whispered about…then I got laid off and developed health problems and I slowly become a recluse and didn’t leave my home except for bill paying and shopping which slowly turned into not leaving except for health issues…THEN now that I need a nurses aide daily and I was ending my 10 year registration I hardly thought about my past except at that once a year trip to the PSP to be looked down upon and given snide remarks and well, you know the feeling going into that building…And the only good thing about doing the registration process to me was that EACH year was a countdown to the end of shame, guilt,  and being able to look forward to not having to have those feelings again..AND even though I believe in God and Jesus Christ, I don’t attend a church, because my cousin was a pastor and all the while in prison he would talk GOD with me and say when you get out you can attend my church…WELL he died like 1 or 2 years before I was released, AND well, sorry to say his wife and the other church members didn’t like the idea of me coming around…GO FIGURE..so I have been fearful ever since about searching out another church..I’m sorry it hurts a lot and sometimes I’ve even prayed for death, or the strength to do the deed myself and just leave this place..anything has to be better then this stuff I’m going through now..then I have a change of heart and CRY ye I said cry and wail in pain that stabs me in the heart as I know I am a good person..THEN I get mad and say they will not beat me I will win…

WELL back to what I was saying. I hit my eight year mark and WHEEEE  two more years to go then I’m free.. then December hit and got news that I have to register for life now….And all those fears came rushing back, and all the work the nurses did to get me to start going out, and wanting to go places..and even using a wheelchair and a rascal scooter when my legs finally give out on me..<see I have a stubborn pride > that I feel people will stop and stare at a person in a wheelchair or scooter, so I don’t like the idea of going out like that..SO ya see what a head case I am now that this new law came into effect THANKS Corbett…&^^%$^$…:)  Anyway, the nurses had me worked up and looking forward to going out….NOW I don’t want to leave my home again, AND I’ve not been sleeping much, due to stress and worry..its like a big hand is inside my chest and keeps a constant grip on my heart..even now as I type this I feel the grip and my eyes sting as the tears build up..I’m sorry to say that I am crying but, maybe it will show, how it hurts me..NOT just myself but the others I have hurt…let me say this and hope it doesn’t get deleted as I posted information for people in Pennsylvania to contact to try and help them an added some links as well and the post never made it to the public because they deleted it and didn’t tell me why. (EDITOR’S NOTE:  Posts which contain inappropriate or offensive language will be deleted.)

So I don’t know if what I’m about to say will make this get deleted, but here it goes…John Walsh and Corbett…listen to this. Yes people make mistakes and MOST are sorry for making mistakes BUT, its time you stop doing what your doing the answer is NOT to keep punishing people..it is education and therapy..so stop being a-holes and John retire and let Adam rest in peace, its like every time you mention his name,  you’re making him relive the pain and torment he went through.  It’s not like you’re letting him be remember for good things.  And Corbett, you cut education funding and old peoples and disabled people’s programs so you could do this and make a fraction of what was spent to implement this new law…COME on are you serious, all that money would have been better spent in the areas that I just mentioned, and for you to gain back the money spent on this new law, will take a decade to get back…And you’re supposed to be educated..I’m a GED winner and I can see the best out of this scenario…sorry I’m going to stop here as I’m starting to get mad and I’ll say a lot worse if I continue…so thanks for reading and hope you have gained something out of my rambling…and not just that I’m a basket case 🙂

thank you,

 

Stressed Out In Pennsylvania

3 Comments

  1. Matthew

    I would like to express my feelings that I have been having, but let me first say that I don’t know if I’m bipolar, BUT it feels like it the way my feelings have been switching back and forth since the Christmas present the state of Pa. has given to me.

    I am 48, and growing up I was picked on as a kid, by my peers, bullied if you will. And that left me open to be molested not just by adults but even a good friend of mine.

    This went on until I was 17; not only was it my good friend, which he was like a brother to me, but don’t let the press fool you; Catholic priests are not the only ones who molest kids; the nuns do as well. I know this for a fact because I was sent to a Catholic boys’ school, by the state for my bad behavior and drug use.

    And maybe if I had spoken up back then and gotten the help I needed, I would not have done what I did and be typing this right now.

    Don’t get me wrong; I am not using myself being molested as a excuse for what I did, but it played a fraction on why I did it.

    Anyway, what I have been feeling and trying to determine is where do we go when we die? And do we come back in another body?

    Because, I am so saddened with this life that I would like another life to see if it would be better than this one. I’m 48 alone and unloved. I never knew the joys of having a family to love and be loved by like a adoring wife that would love me, and kids that adored me and thought I was the greatest dad in the world.

    When, the reality of it is I don’t know how to have a relationship and will probably die alone in my home and the nurse will find me.

    So, I cry when I see the ASPCA ads on TV, and the feed the children ads…and just wish I had the courage to kill myself, and this might sound weird, but I’ve prayed to God to take me away..BUT, guess he’s not done with me on earth yet, so I’m stuck maybe.

    I’ve been living in constant emotional pain all my life and now constant physical pain since 2006..and that will never change; my nerves are slowing dying from neuropathy.

    I try and stay upbeat and positive, but there’s times when I say what’s the use.
    Like now the feeling over giving up is so great right now, I’m crying as I type this..feeling alone unloved, and like why bother to go on, just swallow all my pills and go to sleep or just walk off into the woods and snow an let things happen.

    But, then in the next moment I feel like HEY dumb-ass, there’s people out there that you don’t know depending on you to help in this fight of injustice. And I get a new wave of anger against this BS that has taken over our lives.
    Here’s a website where you can sign a petition to revoke the Adam Walsh Act.

    http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/revoke-adam-walsh-law-and-sorna-act-in-pennsylvania.html

    Here’s the numbers to the American Civil Liberties Union ACLU
    for Pa.

    East 215-592-1513
    Central 877-424-2258
    Western 412-681-7736

    If you want to call and file a complaint that it’s unconstitutional and against your civil rights.

    And thank you RSOL for providing a great website and your fight in helping us sex offenders in our fight.

    • Matthew

      I just finished watching on NetFlix this movie called Amber Alert 2012; it was a pretty good movie, and at the end I wrote a review, saying how much I think the Amber Alert was and is a good idea..BUT I blasted the Sex offender Registry saying how it was a joke and unconstitutional on so many levels…LOL seriously..keep the faith my new family and don’t give up hope and donate if you can, and check in regularly on here and share your thoughts and feelings..don’t let the SOB’s win…at the end of this month I have to go face the storm troopers and do my yearly NOW quarterly registration…OH happy, happy joy, joy. I feel the smirks now with them laughing behind my back, thinking or saying HAHAHAHA you thought ya almost was done with your 10 year…now we got you for life you SOB….oh yaaaaaa I am so happy.

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