Back In Time

You know this new law that came out in Pennsylvania on December 20, 2012 has brought back those same old feelings I had when I first was released in 2004… I didn’t go out except at night to shop because I didn’t want to run into people especially with children around.  Then I finally found a job that kept me out mostly at night.  Which was great that way I was safe from being around people and the fear of being picked out or pointed at and whispered about…then I got laid off and developed health problems and I slowly become a recluse and didn’t leave my home except for bill paying and shopping which slowly turned into not leaving except for health issues…THEN now that I need a nurses aide daily and I was ending my 10 year registration I hardly thought about my past except at that once a year trip to the PSP to be looked down upon and given snide remarks and well, you know the feeling going into that building…And the only good thing about doing the registration process to me was that EACH year was a countdown to the end of shame, guilt,  and being able to look forward to not having to have those feelings again..AND even though I believe in God and Jesus Christ, I don’t attend a church, because my cousin was a pastor and all the while in prison he would talk GOD with me and say when you get out you can attend my church…WELL he died like 1 or 2 years before I was released, AND well, sorry to say his wife and the other church members didn’t like the idea of me coming around…GO FIGURE..so I have been fearful ever since about searching out another church..I’m sorry it hurts a lot and sometimes I’ve even prayed for death, or the strength to do the deed myself and just leave this place..anything has to be better then this stuff I’m going through now..then I have a change of heart and CRY ye I said cry and wail in pain that stabs me in the heart as I know I am a good person..THEN I get mad and say they will not beat me I will win…

WELL back to what I was saying. I hit my eight year mark and WHEEEE  two more years to go then I’m free.. then December hit and got news that I have to register for life now….And all those fears came rushing back, and all the work the nurses did to get me to start going out, and wanting to go places..and even using a wheelchair and a rascal scooter when my legs finally give out on me..<see I have a stubborn pride > that I feel people will stop and stare at a person in a wheelchair or scooter, so I don’t like the idea of going out like that..SO ya see what a head case I am now that this new law came into effect THANKS Corbett…&^^%$^$…:)  Anyway, the nurses had me worked up and looking forward to going out….NOW I don’t want to leave my home again, AND I’ve not been sleeping much, due to stress and worry..its like a big hand is inside my chest and keeps a constant grip on my heart..even now as I type this I feel the grip and my eyes sting as the tears build up..I’m sorry to say that I am crying but, maybe it will show, how it hurts me..NOT just myself but the others I have hurt…let me say this and hope it doesn’t get deleted as I posted information for people in Pennsylvania to contact to try and help them an added some links as well and the post never made it to the public because they deleted it and didn’t tell me why. (EDITOR’S NOTE:  Posts which contain inappropriate or offensive language will be deleted.)

So I don’t know if what I’m about to say will make this get deleted, but here it goes…John Walsh and Corbett…listen to this. Yes people make mistakes and MOST are sorry for making mistakes BUT, its time you stop doing what your doing the answer is NOT to keep punishing people..it is education and therapy..so stop being a-holes and John retire and let Adam rest in peace, its like every time you mention his name,  you’re making him relive the pain and torment he went through.  It’s not like you’re letting him be remember for good things.  And Corbett, you cut education funding and old peoples and disabled people’s programs so you could do this and make a fraction of what was spent to implement this new law…COME on are you serious, all that money would have been better spent in the areas that I just mentioned, and for you to gain back the money spent on this new law, will take a decade to get back…And you’re supposed to be educated..I’m a GED winner and I can see the best out of this scenario…sorry I’m going to stop here as I’m starting to get mad and I’ll say a lot worse if I continue…so thanks for reading and hope you have gained something out of my rambling…and not just that I’m a basket case 🙂

thank you,

 

Stressed Out In Pennsylvania

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