I do not know if I can continue to live like this!!

I was in a relationship with a 16 year old girl when I was 23, 17 years ago. I plead guilty to Rape 3rd in New York State and was told I would have to register for 10 years and serve 5 years probation.  After about 6-7 years laws drastically changed.  I was forced to move as where I had lived for several years was to close to a school. I was forced to register all email addresses and have my picture posted online labeling me a monster. I am forced to register my vehicles and work information if I am attending college etc. I didn’t plead guilty to this; I had no idea of the repercussions of that guilty plea.

I was engaged to a local elected official, I was living at her residence at the time.  She received a lot of flak for this, as you might imagine.   As this is an election year for her, I left.  I was not familiar with how much the laws had changed.   When I left I was told I had to have a residence within a 10 day period or I would be guilty of a felony for failing to register.  As in New York being homeless is illegal, I stayed with my mother for several days and listed her address; within 3 days of this she was notified by her landlord that because of my status I had to leave ASAP or she would be evicted.  So of course I left.

As soon as I walked out the door I had 10 days again to find a new address or I would be guilty of a Felony.  I had the money for a place, but I was honest with the potential landlords, and they would not accept me being a Sex Offender.  I  looked day and night and made 50 calls to try and find a place with no avail.  I was at day 9 and out of options; I called the local police and was told I had to have a residence by the next day PERIOD or I would be guilty of another Felony.  I was distraught.  I came up with two options, (1) commit another minor crime and be arrested so I could use the temporary address or threaten suicide and go to a mental hospital . I chose the later; I wrote the change of address form out, mailed it to Albany, and drove to the local mental hospital and told them I was going to hurt myself that night if I didn’t get help, all a lie.  So they took me in.

I was released after 6 days then the clock started ticking again–10 days to new Felony.   I did this 3 more times until I was able to get an apartment.  I went to visit my girlfriend; she had some new neighbors who were aware of my status and called me child molester, POS etc., etc., etc.  I eventually snapped and we got into a fight.  Of course, he pressed charges. I spent 60 days in jail and was released homeless again.  This time I went to the local welfare office and claimed homelessness.  I am staying at the cost of the tax payers at a hotel for $50 a day.  I have a place to stay but no where I can list as an address.  I have been here almost 10 days and they are telling me I have to find a place, but I cannot!!  I am labeled a rapist; in New York 17 is not legal; in 30 other states it is legal, but in New York I am a dangerous Rapist of Children.

I have had several good paying jobs only to lose them when they find out my status. I was granted SSD/SSI for Depression/Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress, all because of my crime that happened 17 years ago. I am out of options. I either commit crimes to survive or eventually become homeless and get convicted of another Felony just for being homeless. I want to do right, but I am backed into a corner. Every day I want to die!! I am labeled a monster for being in a relationship with a girl a few months too young close to two decades ago. I am hopelessly depressed, I have no life, no friends, and only my mother is there for me. I have not one friend in the world.  I contemplate suicide every day, but so far haven’t.   I have had no similar charges in 17 years and just want to move on with my life.  I cannot; I feel hopeless.

I know the laws through and through in New York.  I started out as a 10 year listed offender now as a level 2 I am a Lifetime Registrant.  I can apply for relief after 30 years now. Do they want us to flip and lose it?  I am really close!! Who do they think they are protecting? I have a daughter that I had 50% custody of for 10 years after the conviction; if I am such a danger why did that happen? I hate my life and I hate the people who made these laws as they are.  I just want to move on.  I got probation for my offense!!!  Why can’t I be allowed to try to get my life back!!  I feel so lost!  I have no hope, no life, and am losing all desire to live.  I suspect this is what the lawmakers want!!  We need to band together. I need people in my life that understand, but I have none!! Please Help!

10 Comments

  1. Joe

    What i would do, is first move to another state. There are states with a lot more lenient laws. You have SSI which will transfer. Get yourself a passport. YES sex offenders can get passports. Work off of craigslist. Do odd jobs. Enroll in school, you can get a few thousand bucks a semester FOR FREE through the pell grant. Save your money and move to another country. Do your research. Lots of countries do not care about illegal immigrants, and even when your visa expires, they will not care. Find a good woman in your new country, and get married. All is well. Just never come back to the USA and you will be fine. Good luck.

  2. jimmy smith

    Leave New York. I have been on the registry for 14 years and I know what your talking about. I pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor in 1998. All hell broke loose in 2006 after the Adam Walsh Act or Sorna went into play. Forget about finding work; that is a 1000 to 1 shot you will ever find a job that pays the bills. I have three degrees and they are no good now. I thought about suicide many times, but got angry at the thought of it. Society welcomes your death. I care about your life and well being; after all we are in the same boat. You have to make some drastic changes in your living situation and go to a state that does not have the ten day felony charge for being homeless. Get strong man. A Friend in Georgia. Wish I could do more for you; I am one step away from being homeless and living on Gov. assistance.

    • shea

      Oh my Lord…I know and feel your pain my dear. I’m a female and committed my “crime” in 1993 when I was 18. I had a one night stand with a 14 yr old female…I did not know her age! Not going into details but I served a few years in prison and my suffering has NEVER EVER ended. Now we’re being evicted and have not long to go, no money and it’s making me want to take my life just so my husband and sons can live normal lives without me and my past hurting them!! But I’m dying from cancer soon enough…so all of us will be at peace. Don’t give up everyone! Fight for our safety and rightful treatment!!

      • Matthew

        Shea,
        Don’t give up; it’s not the time or the place to think like that; turn it into anger and fight back.
        Since this new law came out, I’ve lived at my place for 8 years and nothing has happened. BUT— Now with this new law, my mailbox has been knocked over, and now it looks like someone has hit it with something and dented it so now the door won’t close.
        DON’T give up and do try to enjoy what time you have left; you don’t need more stress since you’re dealing with cancer.

      • shea

        Thank you Matthew but it gets harder every day! I’m curious what this new Missouri bill will do to help any of us.

      • Matthew

        I don’t know Shea, what the MO. law is about; I’m from Penn. Is that where you are from, the show me state?

  3. Matthew

    Not A Monster
    Son, let me tell you that you are not alone, and things do get better; just keep the faith and hope, for hope is a good thing, and good things never die. I too have thought of taking my life until it made me so mad at how they are treating SO’s that it made we want to fight them and show them that you can’t push us around.If everyone would donate to RSOL even $5.00 a month, it would help.If you read some of my other posts, it should give you some places to contact to help fight this. I too went from 10 years to a lifetime.
    I have a son your age, and I haven’t seen him since he was 9 when I went to prison, and he won’t talk to me now because they brainwashed him into believing I am a monster.So let me give you advice that I can’t give him; you will never be given more burdens then you can handle.Trust me I’ve been there; you just keep fighting and don’t give up and promise me that you will not think about taking your life as when we win this fight I would like to have a ice cold beer with you and some laughs.I am not far from you; I’m in Pennsylvania.

    • strider_eight

      Many of us sex offender monsters are very well educated with good skills. Let’s do something about it. Let’s move in together. I am sure we will be news from coast to coast, but i know some sex offender therapists that are willing to speak up. You do not have to commit suicide, let us band together and fight together. Many of us sex offenders, and sex offender advocates have a lot of cash. Leave new york man. I am a single father and i would trust you with my child. Sex offender laws intend to help children from being abused, but most abused children are not abused by a repeat offender. besides, my child isn’t stupid enough to allow you to abuse her. and it is like, what, 1 in a million sex offenders actually physically force a child. I know that is walking a fine line to say that, but it is true. Most sex offenders, if left alone with a person that has physically harmed a child, would be much worse on that offender than even any states death sentence would allow. But the states like to put us all in the same group, from child murder, to the guy that was 14 that kissed a 10 year old. To the most of society, that is what we are, all in the same group. Society would be surprised what happened if they put us all in the same cell. Many of us were just children ourselves, under the age of 18, when we became “sex offenders”. we were full of romantic ideas. we really meant no harm, and we truly felt strongly towards the one we molested. we would die for them to protect them. We would not harm them. And way back then, we just loved them. Probably still do. And we would rather cut our own throat rather than have them come to harm. It is hard to explain, but nonetheless it is completely real. If you do not believe me, because i am a sex offender, then make friends with the abused, to the point that they confide in you. Whether or not it is legal, moral, or otherwise, most times the feelings are real, on both sides, for the offender, and the offended. I am not saying that it should be legal nor am i advocating for child/adult relationships, but i am saying the feelings are real. When i offended a child, i was a child, i had no idea about the criminal implications of my actions. In fact, i was stupid enough to turn myself in for what i had done. I had no idea that by doing so i would have to register for the rest of my life as a sex offender. Neither did i know what would happen to my own children. My child was taken away from me at birth because of my sex offender status. I eventually got her back. but not before she was physically abused in the states foster care system. It is all very frustrating.

      • Ed

        A village composed of all sex offenders! That is a great idea! But we should limit it to those who have had only consensual sex and those who have had no contact and were merely curious on the Internet, as I was. All level I in level II people. I’ll just bet that that’s the majority of us. It should be in a nice secluded area that is zoned for horses and free running dogs. Since most of us on the God damned registry are prohibited from traveling to other states especially if we are on lifetimeSupervision, we should start a website where we could actually be all on it once, with a large chat room. If we are pulling membership from all around the country, there are a number of us that probably live in very desirable areas. Not merely the physical environment,but also a legal one.
        Most of us, because of our registration status and legal disadvantages that limit our economic progress do not have much money. But we could all be good neighbors to one another and help each other out, much like the Amish do in terms of barnraising and homebuilding. Might even be possible to get Jimmy Carter involved along with his Habitat for Humanity organization. A lot of sex offenders are skilled construction people, others are lawyers, farmers, and others with a variety of skills.What everybody should have in common is a pioneer spirit, like the first groups that settled this country. All could contribute to making this idea a real workable reality. And in truth, there are enough of us to form several large metropolis type cities. Those of you out there the advanced computer skills could get this rolling fairly soon, at least as far as a site for initial meetings online…. Our OWN sex offender registry, as it were, for our own purposes.

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