I’m going to attempt to be as factual and brief as possible. I’m the parent of a daughter who’s step-father was convicted of Gratification of Lust.
I was married to this man for 12 years, we were as normal at Joe Blow down the road. Sometime, in the year of 16 a competitor company lured my ex husband to come to work, he did. Along with this new job came sales calls, requiring him to be in and out of office. In ways that are not so clear to me he started using drugs which lead to a lot of strange behavior in the following months, our marriage was in trouble , I realize now but at the time I chalked it up to complacency. Until, the day. The day everything changed. Looking back I realize it was slow fade. We allowed the devil in our home slowly but surely slipping on church, tithing , reading the bible and living for the Lord. The things and person we needed to fight the Master of Deceit!
What was revealed to me through my 13 year daughter was her step-father had inappropriately touched her at night twice. My ex is not a pedophile, sex offender or an of those things. He violated my daughter mentally, not sexually and he ripped a family apart but he does not deserve what has transpired since that day. Hell, for that matter, know one in my family does. The circus of events, the ignorance of police, the Grand Jury, the loss of his job and most importantly the stress placed on me was unfathomably.
In my what I say is ignorance, shock, dismay, embarrassment and the love for my daughter, I took her to counseling. My ex had actually requested to speak with her and I said “no” not unless there is mediator to help them. Myself and my daughter attend, I direct my daughter to explain. The following day my ex attends (without us) he explains, Well, ding, ding, ding we have a winner. It has to be reported. Yes, I knew but I didn’t know, my head was everywhere. I begged the counselor, I cried but it was done. My ex took it upon himself to self report. Well, that was a mess in and of it’s self because no one had ever done that. As you can imagine it set off a fire storm of events that did absolutely nothing to protect my daughter (which she did not need, he was not a goblin hunting her) I could have sold her to him 5 times over before they knew what day of the week it was. I must say, the one thing the police and government did show her through all of this is “don’t trust them.” I missed work with out pay, she missed school, he missed work and of course lost his job etc…..
Now let me tell you what I lost. I lost precious time with my child in the present and in the future. Two months following the “freak show” we went through, I found a mass in my breast the size of a golf ball, but wait it gets better, my ex had been let go from his job; he carried the insurance. I had no insurance,now. I had no time off, I was to busy answering stupid questions and waiting on people to come inspect my home that never showed. My husband had just walked out of the door, and I had ALL the bills. Yes, at my request he had to go. Yes, I was going to divorce him but it was all so much added stress. It is still so much stress. My ex could not get a job, well….we had a home equity loan. I got sick, he could not get a job it was viscous cycle. My daughter was heart broken, she knew he had been arrested, she worried her step brother was angry, she wished he had never said anything. In her words “mom I knew he was messed up, dont you think if he was going to do that he would have started when I was young. Dad, well I mean Don, was good dad until he started acting strange. I just want this to go away. Him move out for a while and then go to normal”
Quite frankly, in my opinion he would have done better to blow his head off the day put his name on that registry! For the love of God why must they put it on the DL, for the occasional banker to see? He could find no where to live, unfortunately in MS we have a Troll Bridge we can put them under, there is a church on every corner with a play ground, if not a church an apartment complex with a swing set, if not apartments a day care or a school. How can you give an address if you don’t have one? How can you live if you can’t work? How can he pay me and keep me out of debt? It’s a snow ball effect that goes all the way down the line to the tax payer.
In wrapping this story up, I’ll feel you in on the gut kicker. My ex is currently doing 18 years in prison. 18 years for touching. He is classified just the same as someone that sexually assaults a 6 mo old. He is doing just as much time as someone that repeatedly molest a child. Ask me how my daughter feels about that? Ask me how sad it makes my daughter to see me go through cancer treatment alone, ask me how disgusted she is with what the registry and court system has done to our lives, ask me if she thinks her step dad is a child molester or better still ask her.
Where did the 18 years come from? He was sleeping in his car at a friends house at night and using that address. When detectives did a follow up and asked friends wife in the middle of the day if he lived there, she responded as she should “no.” He was charged with failure to register and failure to comply. He was infact, registered. Oh but we live in the USA, innocent til proven guilty (not), we have Public Defender’s and their there to help (not). The one thing he actually was not guilty of his defender takes a plea deal has him plead guilty to it, they violate him and brand new judge on the bench wants to make name.
Yep, that registry saved some one’s life or did it take 3???
I’m going to attempt to be as factual and brief as possible. I’m the parent of a daughter who’s step-father was convicted of Gratification of Lust.
5 thoughts on “My life is now 2 categories before and after.”
The system itself became predatory in these types of cases, sparing none. Anyone who is going through this is facing a completely one-way fight. They built it with so many legal machanisms to trap and ensnare convicted offenders any way they can.
When someone finds a way through they scramble to patch that “loophole”. The end result is that the accused is completely pinned down. They spend more resources and man power than the original alleged incident even calls for and they set you up for a ride on the train.
But fight you MUST. Even with a plea deal, FAIL to register, even if they turn around and use that to prove their case. Don’t answer their calls, or visits. Get as smart as you can. It’s one-way for this vindictive system and they hide the TRUE motives under “protecting children” or “rehabilitating offenders”. They are CROOKS. They want a 3rd 4th or even 5th term in office. They found an easy to exploit group that they can ride through the elections, siding with Democrats or republicans it DOES NOT MATTER who is in POWER. They ride the “flip flops” of politics. They ride it and get off when they’re full and the next just keeps the chain going. Vote 1 out, 10 come in.
You are fighting an ENTRENCHED SYSTEM.
But fight you MUST. And when the time comes, you will find a way. Laws are like the threads in a blanket: they want to write laws BETWEEN laws to cover the accused in a tight knit blanket.
But there is always a hole somewhere. Eventually they patch it, so it may not be there for the next person. But the Constitution oversees ALL laws eventually. It may take years to undo the harm of this system. It may take decades.
The people can wise up and wake up to the manipulation that they have silently consented to. Stop being “pro-victim” because when it’s used by this system it is in-truth “anti-offender”. Even in cases where the offense was benign or where there IS NO offense but a false accusation.
And you’ve already seen why that’s true.
I see where you’re coming from. I myself was set up for death by a crooked detective(mostly through him) along with law enforcement and some task force that accompanied him, and the DA .With no sense of who I was. I didn’t know my left from my right and was thrown into a pit. That detective I spoke of had said hideous things to other officers and got this twisted grin on his face on the morning of my arrest. An inmate in jail had mockingly said “He don’t know where he at,” more than once to others. Believe what I’m saying. There is more than meets the eye in this world.
The system as it is, for the more costly or serious crimes(not just the sexual ones towards minors) was formed or built to reel in as many people as it could and keep them in for as long as it could. Also to keep them bound up(or have a hold on them) out in the community. Like an SO randonly being called out and insulted because he was shown on the news or some person had looked up his name online, an ankle monitor that could malfunction during pretrial, a spiteful social worker, or a person that works in the mental health system, or some other person out in the community who rouses the defendant up to lash out physically or verbally and then sets them up to get locked up again(most likely through lies and perjury for the words he or she said) during pretrial or probation and among other ways. Doesn’t matter if a person charged was guilty or not. SOs in FL for PC crimes can see their charges upgraded, with the degree turned into a higher one and the name of the charge changed, over very small details that don’t have much to do with anything. Because of an amendment lawmakers had made several years ago to tighten the grip on men who were charged with sexual crimes towards minors(not toward women of course).
Such an abomination had been formed through the decades, and there is not much that could be done to change it at this point. The system(which encompasses precincts, jails, courtrooms) is just a big business and nothing more. America itself is a big business.
The system was formed to put people in some sort of limbo through an excessively high bond amount. Some of who, should get a chance. To have people linger and be susceptible to disease, physical or sexual assault, suicidal thoughts, and degradation and negligence upon law enforcement and other staff. To be susceptible to additional charges too. To face an imperfect, likely morally backwards, and biased jury to get run over by them. Which happens for the majority of people that go to trial(even for burglary, assault, gun possession etc). To deal with, in many cases, these psyche “doctors” that work in favor of prosecutors through fake tests, manipulation, and perjury. All those things I spoke of above, all apply especially to those caught up with sexual crimes towards minors. Which does include men who won’t commit crimes again, men who were lied to by some female, and the innocent. Many that can’t bond out can spend a couple of years as the case is going, as if they had already been sentenced. The system was also formed that if a person had this really expensive private lawyer representing them, then his or her chances of a good deal or outcome from trial would be several times greater than if they had a public defender representing them. That is if they could even afford to keep paying the private lawyer(s). Which is also part of the game or trap. Also the private lawyer respresenting an SO most likely would think the same negative way that prosecutors and most other citizens do about SOs. As was the case with the person who represented me. Who showed me that, after the outcome in court that saved my life.
Certain American politicians, lawmakers, law enforcement, and citizens in their hypocrisy have spoken about “pri@@@ reform” or how the system must change. Many, primarily referring to minor drug offenses, juveniles(even those who committed sexual crimes), people falsely incarcerated for murder, and unarmed black men getting shot and killed by white police officers. There can’t be any reform or change. The way the system is right now, is deliberate. It is no accident or “human error.” It is deliberate through the thoughts, emotions, and biases of politicians, lawmakers, law enforcement and the citizens they represent. It’s a collective thing. It can never truly be just and fair. If it runs SOs over, then of course it’s gonna be bad for some others as well.
Men are deliberately held in a place with no intimate contact with girlfriends or wives and put into rooms with strangers. Also a person has only one chance to call at booking, and if they miss it, they are held in some hell without any friends or relatives being able to know if they were locked up and where, since the phones in the units can only be used when a person’s account is paid for from the outside, among other things. The system is designed for misery and destruction. It’s most people themselves that gotta change. Which will never happen. People will always be people. Human nature equals sin nature.
You say he just TOUCHED HER!! Who is to say he would not have done more than touch later on had your daughter not said anything? Everything seems to have went bad since he” touched her and she told you “.. he DID THIS TO YOU .. caused all the hardship on you.. you say he is not a molester but he is . Your story seems to stay “ better off not “ telling” so you don’t fall on hard times . Like it’s better not to struggle so sshhh let’s not say nothing when daddy touches you!!!
I’m an advocate and I’m not alone. It took me a great deal of stress and sleepless nights to see what’s happened. I’ve been changed for sure. A lot of times I wish I didn’t know anything.
But I chose to dig and make the connections. I chose not to ignore the stories and just go back to a regular life.
I chose to keep digging because I recognize how unfair of a fight this has become. How inhumane the system is. But also…I chose to believe that it can change. And that unfortunately commits me to a life that’s going to be hard. And I see that hardship in every story I read. But the belief that it can change will help make it happen. And to have a resource such as NARSOL is hope that others are seeing the need for change too.
Try to stay level-headed and take care of yourself Crash. As well anyone else reading this. The level of patience and temperment being demanded here is more than would be asked of someone else convicted of a different offense. So in my opinion anyone finding this site should give themselves credit for reaching out. Because there is hope. Spread the word to anyone else in need of support. Be decent to each other.
And beyond all that never forget that your greatest ally is yourself. Your greatest strength is you, even when they pin you down.
Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry to hear about the devastion that was brought upon you. That is what the system does best for such crimes. It doesn’t just affect the perpetrator but negatively affects those who are connected to him. There is shame, embarrassment, and humiliation upon anyone connected to an SO. Those that are on his side in particular. Like for example: someone’s home having to be put on the radar if an SO moves in.
The system is built in a way for people to fall right back into it without even trying. Whether they are on pretrial, probation(regular, drug, or SO type), or parole.